The Foreign Mail Order Bride, by Westley Enigam

When scheming risk of bliss,
or wills and woe,
it’s best to know
the tragedy scenario
and the actors and factors.

First of all, they are not “Mail Order Brides.” I used that term in the heading for several reasons. One, to get your attention. The other main reason is because the term really annoys the introductory services industry, and the women’s advocacy groups, and it annoys me too. I wanted to be in the mood of annoyed when I wrote this section.

This was something new for me, which got its start when I lived in Norseberg, Alaska, sometime in 1999 or 2000. I met a few fellows there, with whom I became friends. They had found brides through what’s called an international introductory service. I discovered over time that it’s quite the international business, matching up foreign brides with husbands, not only from the United States, but anywhere in the world. These organizations, or introductory services, range from the really sleazy, to very classy. A lot of the difference is in the sales pitch, but more especially in the additional services offered. I rate the sleazy ones that way because the profiles and portfolios of the women there show a lot of skin, and not much class, however this seems to have relation to the women’s age as much as the site itself. I noticed that often the young women show themselves skimpily dressed, or in lingerie, and the older women fully dressed, and dignified. The better organizations offer more sophisticated support network to enable the couple to become acquainted while and after deciding they want to meet. There is always the probability of a con or fraud game, but in my opinion this is less so with the better introductory organizations. So, with the recommendations of my buddies in Norseberg, and the stimulating motivation of having met their beautiful and happy Russian brides, I joined the club, paid my dues, and made the contacts, enthusiastically.

To better understand, visit some of the web sites, and cruise through the whole site, their services, and explanations, and look at several of the women’s profiles, and you will see for yourself that it is very mesmerizing, almost unreal, eye candy, but assuredly it’s real, and large.

Organizations like loveme.com and Anastasia count their whole existence to facilitating the marriage of couples from different cultures and countries. Generally the women are from the countries that were within the former USSR, so-called CIS countries, Latvia, Ukraine, Estonia, Belarus, Moldova, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, and of course Russia. The largest listings numerically are from Ukrainian women, and Russian women next. There are also women from the Philippines, Thailand and China and Latin or South America. These women are encouraged and helped to place ads, as outlined by the organization, with portfolios of studio pictures, and a written profile. In my opinion, the photos that are not done in a studio, but just snapshots, are the more genuine, and reveal a more genuine person. All of Narciss’ photos in her web portfolio were done in a studio, with her wearing high fashion clothing. She disliked impromptu snapshot photos of herself, and she loved and fancied high fashion.

All this service is free to the women. Men can search the website online, and pay a fee to avail themselves of a variety of services. This could include translation services, either written or by phone. One of the main services, for a substantial fee of course, includes a series of social parties or tours throughout the year, in various big cities like Kiev, Nikolaev or Saint Petersburg, where lots of local women can attend, by invitation only – supposedly they are screened, by what criteria I’m uncertain. These social parties or tours are designed so that the paying customers, the men, can have several women each to choose from. I recall reading a seven to one ratio is standard. I’ve never attended anything like that, and it must be a crazy setup. I saw something similar, back when I was in the navy in the Philippines. Although closer to one to one ratio, they brought lots of local women by busses onto the naval base so the men would have dancing partners for the major events.

The introductory service organization has plenty of hired help (they can afford it on your money) to translate and help with the various accommodations needed for the couples to have a good get-acquainted period. The men “customers” are generally from the USA and Australia, and United Kingdom or other European countries. Attending these social parties is a sure thing to get laid, and many customers go regularly for years just for that purpose, with no intention of marriage. They have to move about to different cities of course because there is a network among the women locally and a guy with no immigration potential will be known and shunned.

I noticed and read about some women going to men from Muslim countries, and the union not turning out well. This seemed to happen particularly to Muslim women, who want a Muslim husband. Christian women are forewarned and generally not that desperate or foolish. So, the whole industry has very mixed results, varying all the way from sex slaves and harems to happy and wholesome healthy marriages.

The thing that strikes a man foremost is the beauty and friendliness of the women. It seems very genuine, and mostly it is real, but also mostly it’s very captivating. Just remember the line from the X-files “I want to believe”. Enter the twilight zone at your risk. For sure, the women are real, and run the full spectrum of female complexity, intrigue, and nature. For sure, a man should not go into anything like this lightly. My advice, with full ironic factiousness, yet seriously too, is to think about what Dr. Phil would say. Look at your side of the street first, and ask yourself are you up to speed in honoring a woman such as you may find through this means, even if she ultimately doesn’t honor you? Think of it as the real deal, with every pitfall imaginable, and the potential for glory too. It can be said with certainty that it’s not a boring endeavor. Just dealing with the cultural difference alone will keep a man busy.

Not wanting to generalize, but for the sake of clarity I say that it’s safer to presume, than not, that the following is true. You can add the word “very” to every one of these adjectives for the women on these foreign bride websites: ambitious, determined, intelligent, driven, brave, hot, cunning, resourceful, clever, skilled, cosmopolitan, independent, matriarchal and dominating. Many are deeply religious, fundamental orthodox Russian Christian, or fundamental Islamists. My advice is to avoid or at least be very cautious about any woman from countries whose name ends in “stan”. You may not survive the introduction to her relatives, or at the very least get castrated like an infidel mongrel.

Notice, in describing the potential foreign brides that nowhere did I mention subservient. Of course all individuals are different, and my main point is that a man is making a big mistake, thinking that because these women seem simple, innocent, gentle, cooperative, sweet, etc., that they will remain in a subservient role in a marriage. As I said, it is safer to presume, than not, that any of these women will challenge everything about you as a man, everything you think you are, and know, and dream about, and stand for. By choosing to become involved with one of these women, a man will discover what he’s really made of. It’s a journey equivalent to trekking across Africa, or climbing Denali, or the steppes of Outer Mongolia. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but not for the faint hearted or naive. The point is to not go into anything like this so naive as to believe that you will rule the roost, and everything will go your way, or even that you will succeed. To survive, you will learn about merging cultural and fundamental beliefs in a marriage, far more fraught with pitfalls than is generally present with two people from the same culture, and place. These women may look familiar, like they could have been pictured in your school album, but I assure you that they are different than the girl next door. All the normal challenges of marriage are present, and in addition to many more surprises. They are capable of broadening your horizons, or kicking your ass, at their discretion, with the help of advocacy of course.

If you read the write-up on the introductory services website, many will mention the common event of scamming, which many men have experienced. It’s good that they mention that, but they don’t go far enough in their explanation. I’ve seen the outcome stated like this “one day she will just say, ‘I don’t love you anymore’, and that’s it.” But it ain’t that’s it, by a long shot. Often she will say it through the courts and advocacy, which means that she chose to get out by false claims of domestic violence in order to retain immigration rights. The websites sort of pretend that saying goodbye to one of these brides is similar to the way it would be for marriage to a U.S. citizen. It ain’t the same.

The risk is that your little life may be thoroughly trounced by the lovely creature who you invite into your life. Every one of them is a potential heart breaker and they have a far bigger network and support team to help them do that than you can imagine. The righteous malevolent throng will come out of seemingly nowhere and everywhere, so to speak, at her beckoning, and she will be supported by a legion, while you stand alone. Your heart is not the only potential casualty at stake. Furthermore, many of us think we are in charge of our destiny, and hold ourselves accountable for our choices and consequences. It’s a cultural thing, and a man thing, which is apparently not shared, and even exploited, by many of the women and their advocacy. If everything goes well, primarily in her view, heavily influenced by money and her notions of the Good Life, perhaps a different scenario will never reveal itself, and life continues on as expected, in its merry way. If things do not go well, surely you will discover just how limited you are in controlling anything, anywhere, anytime, especially including your destiny, and especially that of the marriage. You will have little need for your self-valued virtue of holding yourself accountable for choices, because others will gladly do that for you, or at least make you wrong in every way imaginable.

I am not saying that when asking yourself these questions, or considering these issues, that there is only one acceptable answer, or take no step forward in faith, or to even have a firm answer. I’m just saying that it’s something to think about, and be aware of. It depends on how much of a risk taker you are, and how much you are willing to lose in time, money and angst. In all likelihood, your preemptive answer will be different than what you actually do, in situations that arise. Advice and talk is easy, and when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, you may find that the moral dilemmas and paradoxes you face will stretch your character very thin indeed. My hope is that awareness, and the questions will help someone to avoid the pitfall in the first place. Bliss is great, but it can lead to big trouble.

My mentor, Knarley, read what I’ve written so far and said that I seemed a bit non-committal about my advice, maybe trying to be too politically correct. I find that hard to imagine. That’s his opinion. I thought I was being forthright and I know he likes to bait me. So, I took his advice anyway, to see if I could get a bit more genuine. So, to pin it down, Knarley asked me would I do it again, and under what conditions?

In response to his pushing, I said that I believed that even a pre-nep wouldn’t save a guy from serious and costly misery should the relationship fail. I think the court would probably just look past it and do what they do best anyway, use liberal discretion in transferring your assets to her. I said, hell no I wouldn’t do it again. The risk, and misery in my case, far outweighed the bliss. The likelihood of success isn’t favorable.

And besides, I ain’t man enough to fight the courts and women’s advocacy – it ain’t an even playing field. A man is outnumbered and up against the power of the State. Too much is tied to the blushing bride’s whim, and there are too many people – zealots – who are more than happy to crash your dream. You may think you can trust her, and maybe so, but there is no way you can trust the advocacy groups or the court, should they be evoked. The thing, the monster, is bigger that the two of you or the marriage. When you marry a foreign bride, like I did, you enter the monsters lair, and it could awaken at any time, and have you for a snack, drooling and smacking its lips whilst your dream blood soaks into the earth.

And Knarley continued to push – he asked, “Why the breakup of a marriage or relationship with a foreign bride is any different compared to a mate from the USA?”

I responded, “It’s different because of the non-immigrant status.”

To keep it simple, according to the immigration rules, the marriage is the only thing keeping her legally in the country. Exceptions to deportation are your death, or your domestic violence conviction, or a marriage that lasts two years. What do you figure her plan B is? It ain’t going back to her origin country. Should you abandon her, or tell her she’s gotta go, she’s got nowhere to go. Generally a woman who is a natural citizen has family, and wherewithal to take care of herself. Many of these foreign women are totally dependent on their husbands, not just financially, at least for the first few years, and whether or not that’s accurate, it’s what the court will think anyway. In breakdown they don’t trust anyone except their same language women buddies and the advocacy monsters, who are your enemies, by their own making. More specifically, they are enemies of the marriage, and consider it abusive simply because of its nature, and the dependency, and the threat of deportation. They think of it as a non-marriage, not worthy of their respect, and therefore project that on you as well. They have no respect or honor for your commitment and dream. They consider you a monster for seeking a wife this way, and welcome a chance to make you wrong. All they need is an entrance in and it happens through your beloved’s women friends, or through her direct invitation to the system through false claims. In my experience, the false claims don’t come just out of nowhere, but through rehearsal and coaching and coaxing to get it properly structured and timed. Where do you think she rehearses her story, the claims? Where do you think she gets the structure of the story, and proper wording, specific to the literature, and within her vocabulary somehow it just appears? It’s a setup for expensive failure.

The thing you need to understand, is that they, the court and advocacy, know that many of these women, wanting out of their marriage, are lying about the domestic violence and abuse, and are scamming them as much as anyone. But it doesn’t matter at all. They coach them anyway, and encourage and facilitate the demise of the marriage any way they can. Any of the so-called same language friends will most likely be coaching your beloved wife in how to make you a criminal or dead, so she can move on from the marriage, living of course on your continued maintenance, or inheritance is acceptable too. The clue is to find out if her women friends are still married to the sponsor of their K-1 Visa. It’s rare to find just one. They have all been there – done that, and they form a network and team up on you. Unless you are friends with your wife’s friend’s husband, have doubt – lots of doubt. The doubt itself can’t be avoided, which is also a seed of destruction.

Maybe you’re thinking it couldn’t happen to a nice guy? Another way to say it, as Knarley said, the pasture bull doesn’t care if you are a vegan; he’ll zealously gore you anyway and then tromp all over you and enjoy it. It’s what you represent, not what you think of yourself, or your intentions.

So, there you have it. Consider yourself warned, thanks to Knarley.

“Marriage to a foreign bride may be compared to winning a lottery, for the bride, in which the winnings are your bank account and earnings.” Westley Enigam

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